Monologue #18 (2015)

Dear Diary,

You know those moments when you really need to talk to someone? You just truly, desperately need them?

I was heading back to my room trying to get in contact with a confidant. Just as I was walking through my door, a friend of mine was laying on the floor, staring at the colorful lights that they turned on in my room. I debated whether or not I should talk to them or let them know that I wasn’t in the right place to help anyone in that moment. I put the urge to get help aside so that I could be a supportive friend for them.

While we were talking, I tried really hard not to bring up anything that I was going through or even attempt to make this about me. The mention of sexual assault… I couldn’t help but think how I’m forced to get along with the man who assaulted me for two years. They were looking for words of wisdom, advice, something, but I honestly had no words.

The sad part is, after dealing with sexual assault, I still don’t know how to deal with male attention. If they treat me a certain way, then I fall head over heels for them all because “he enabled me to trust him”, “we watched movies and cuddled”, or “the look he gave me, he obviously adores me”.  I fall for just about anything. I don’t even know my self-worth.

The fact that I had a realistic suicide thought yesterday scares me. I looked at a knife and could see myself cutting my wrist. I didn’t even know I could have thoughts like that. I know I’m not alone, but who can really handle being there for me?

I was speaking to my counselor and she gave me a sentence that she wanted me to complete. “Not being okay is safe because…” Initially, I was thinking about it logically, and using reasoning in order to understand that statement just wasn’t working. I let go of common sense and that’s when it hit me. Not being okay is safe because I get attention. I have been independent doing things on my own for myself since I turned 16. I have been a caretaker, doing things for others for years. Not being okay was my way of being a care receiver without actually reaching out and depending on someone to help me. Sick people receive attention they need to get better not because they are dependent, but because they need help.

I am depressed. I hear trigger words and my mind grasps onto them and takes me down a never-ending hole to the point of potential self-inflicted harm. That is where the outsider’s mentality comes into play. Not saying others cast me out. I cast myself out because being the pariah is easier than being pushed out because people can’t handle my emotional state. I just don’t give them the chance to deal with me. I remain alone!


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